I Declare...

Like most Americans, I am considering running for the Republican nomination for President. Usually when you run for President, you want to avoid saying anything that would offend anyone, which means you should avoid saying anything at all. This year, however, the only hope of winning the Republican nomination is to make your opinions crystal clear. So here goes:

• Climate Change. I'm for it. Obama was for change when he ran the first time, so in general I'm against it, except as described below, but he was against climate change so I'm for it.
• The Flag. I'm for it.
• Federal Government. I'm against it. I would repeal the U.S. Constitution, except we should keep the Second Amendment that guarantees the right to shoot guns and also the Supreme Court would be needed to protect the Second Amendment and for other reasons (see below). Because there would be no Congress or President, members of the Supreme Court would need to be appointed by the Evangelical Ministerial Association.
• Coloreds. I'm against them. Obama is one for sure and I'm against Obama. Coloreds are taking over everywhere so we should stop them. With all the intermarriage these days, it can be hard to say for sure who is colored and who is not. Here is where modern computer technology can help. It should be possible to create a high tech device that accurately measures skin color. You will need to be careful about getting too much tan but exposure to sun causes skin cancer so you should be avoiding it anyway. The Supreme Court can administer this program (see above).
• Immigration. See previous item.
• Women. I'm for them.
• Feminists. I'm against them.
• Education. I'm for it, except it should be run by the Supreme Court (see above).
• Corporations. I'm for them.
• Debt. I'm against it.
• Taxes. Don't get me started.

So there it is. With this platform I'm virtually guaranteed to win the Republican nomination. If I got the Republican nomination, I couldn't possibly win the Presidency, though, because there are too many coloreds, but I'm for abolishing the Presidency anyway.

So I guess you're stuck with Hillary for now, but it's only temporary because the End Times are coming.

Hallelujah!