Birthers Got It All Wrong

"Birthers" are those, like Donald Trump, who believe that President Obama wasn't born in Hawaii as he claims, but in Africa. They've got it all wrong. Obama wasn't born in Africa, but he wasn't born in Hawaii either. He was born on Alpha Centauri Bb, an extrasolar planet orbiting the star Alpha Centauri B which is about four light-years from Earth in the southern constellation of Centaurus, affectionately called "lava world" by its inhabitants because of its high level of volcanic activity. I know because I'm from there too and I came to earth about the same time as he did. Both our families are originally from the Skitze clan of the Alphane moon, which accounts for our tendency to blather.

I don't remember him well. He wasn't so interested in politics then. Mostly he was known for being wicked good at playing the video game Space Invaders, which on Bb is similar to but way different from the game played here on earth. For one thing, it's played with real space invaders, who invariable get the worst of it. Earthlings would do best to consider that if they ever think of invading Bb.

The year on Bb is only 3 earth days, which makes him (and me) really old in Bb years. There are no days on Bb because the same side of the planet always points to its sun. On Bb, when you want to go out for the evening, you have to travel to the dark side. It was rumoured that Obama spent way too much time there. Most Bbans stay mostly on the day side of the planet, where the work day is infinitely long and there is no weekend because there are no days. This can get to be a drag. It's why I came to earth and I'm sure it had something to do with Obama's migrating here as well.

Since it was discovered by earth scientists in 2012, there has been some scepticism here as to the existence of our home planet. I don't take offense, though. There are still some on Bb who don't believe in earth, despite the large number of Bbans who have migrated here over the years. Once we get here, there's a tendency to forget about Bb and not write home, and that may have something to do with it. My own birth parents on Bb started denying my existence soon after I left, but it's only because of a wicked law on Bb that makes parents liable for their children's exit tax if they leave without paying. The tax is really high, roughly comparable to the gross domestic product of Haiti, and no one pays it. If you reporters want to ask Obama an awkward question, ask him whether he paid the exit tax.

All taxes on Bb are really high, which is why most people there feel they need to work infinitely long days without weekends. That's probably why Obama feels that Americans don't have it so bad tax-wise. We really don't. Bbans do have really good government mandated health insurance though. The excellent health system helps people to keep working those infinitely long workdays for an infinitely long lifetime, which ensures that they'll keep paying taxes and keep the whole thing going. Do the math.

So, Donald Trump, get a clue. Don't go making wild accusations about things you don't know nothing about.